God's calls to tech support ----- God: Hello? Tech Support? TS: Yes? God: I have this problem. TS: What is it? God: I brought your SimUniverse program some time back. It works pretty good, except for some problems with the Earth subprogram. TS: We often have calls about that. What is it this time? God: Well, I think it has a bug. Or maybe someone snuck in a virus or a Trojan horse. I understand the part about everything trying to fall apart, since it wouldn't be much of a game otherwise. But the "humans" are taking it to extremes. They're fighting more than they should and they even killed the "son" I sent them. Could you modify their behaviour in your next upgrade? TS: Actually, I think it's a "feature". We don't have such things as bugs in our software, you know. Hugs maybe, but not bugs. Have you tried modifying the difficulty level? God: Yes, but didn't have much luck. I even tried to reset the game right after they killed my "son", but that didn't help matters much. TS: What else did you try? God: I tried the religion feature and sent prophets in. But almost all of them got killed off. Not only that, but the people started making their own religions. To be expected, I guess, but it's still annoying. I even brought up the miracles toolbar, but the various miracles didn't help much in the long run. I also tried the disasters toolbar, but that only worked as long as I kept using disasters. TS: The religion subroutines are quite complex. I don't really understand it myself. You could try just not using religion. Have them make sock puppets. God: Already have too many of those. Besides, it's kinda fun having them worship me. And it's amusing when they claim I don't exist but that my fellow game player, Lucifier, does exist. Ha. He uses cheat mode and he still can't win. TS: Use of the cheat mode voids our warranty. Good day. God: But he's the one using it, not me! TS: But you let him. ----- God: Hello? TS: Yes? God: God here. I brought a new service agreement. And I have this problem... TS: What is it? God: Well, I created my first "man". It took me quite a while, about a thousand years, but I did it. Quite proud of myself. But he seems to be too happy. Lazy too. All he does is sit around all day and eat grapes. Or wander around teasing the animals. Any ideas on how I can fix things? TS: Hmm...hate to admit it, but we had pretty much the same problem here. God: Oh? How was it taken care of? TS: Just a sec while I look around...Oh good, I don't see her. God: Her? What's a her? TS: A recent invention. Quite effective, I must admit. But, oh boy, can she nag. And what a money disposal method. You should try her cooking, though. Top of the line. And lets me think I'm right all the time. God: Interesting. Will have to see one myself. TS: Be careful. They keep insisting on what they call marriage. Which isn't too bad, I guess. God: Well, I am God. I should be safe. TS: Nah, there's no defense from a woman. Trust me on this one. Anyways, back to your problem. God: So should I surprise my Adam with one of these "women"? TS: Give it a try. He won't know what hit him. Especially given their natural weapons. God: Natural weapons? TS: Yep. Hugging and kissing. Extremely effective, if I do say so. God: Oh good. I'll try one immediately. Bye now. TS: Bye. -----